Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Tuesday, November 09, 2010

November getaway

Went to Florida with John's sisters this past weekend for a little getaway.
Here is the view from the deck (uploaded from my Blackberry):

It was a little cold for November, so the beach was practically deserted. I like it that way!

It was a nice weekend, and I appreciated so much the chance to spend some time away with them. They have been so good to me, and honestly, they both treat me like I'm their real sister, not a sister-in-law.

It's been eleven years since I lost my real sister. It doesn't seem that long ago. She was in my dream recently; the first time I've dreamed of her since her accident. Some people think that when you dream of a loved one that has passed away, they are speaking to you.

I've thought and thought about that dream, but can't figure out what Linda was trying to say, if indeed she was speaking to me. Maybe she just wanted to say hello? In the dream, I was at a large party. I was young -- college age, I think. She was at the party, too, and came over to introduce me to her friend. The friend said, " Wow, you two look nothing alike! Your sister is so much bigger than you!"

This was always a joke between us. My sister (and my brother, too) was a little thing, tiny and petite. She wore size 0 jeans and she may have been 5 feet on tiptoe. I, on the other hand, am not tiny nor petite. She was small, dark skinned, and had poker-straight brown hair, and not a freckle on her skin. Again, so opposite of me! She used to introduce me as her "little" sister -- looking up at me, the height difference laughable...and people would get a kick out of the irony.

As I get older, I find that life is full of little ironies. After I lost both of my siblings, I was always comforted by the fact that I did have a far away half-sister that I never knew. I always dreamed of one day connecting with her on some level. Another lesson here to do the things you want to do -- you know, don't put off until tomorrow....

Kim was born when I was 11 or 12. My dad had moved to Texas and remarried a woman that I'll just say wore the "wicked step-mother" title with pride. Anwyay, I met Kim, my half-sister, when she was an infant, but never saw her after that. Things got complicated.

Early this year, I decided to reach out to her. I knew she was recently divorced and living with my Dad on his farm, in a little guest house on the property. I kept thinking about contacting her, but never did anything more than that.

On a Saturday in May (in a very cruel twist of fate or irony, or something deeper that I can't figure out), she was killed in a car accident on her way to her job at a veterinary hospital. My dad was devastated. The event freaked me out on so many levels. My dad has lost three of his four children -- one to cancer at age 40, and two to car accidents at ages 40 and 37. How does this happen?

When my brother Allen died, and then my sister Linda, I stuffed so many emotions and feelings about life and loss...I've blogged about that before. I know it's the worst possible thing you can do. But losing them and then my mom in such close succession just made that necessary.

But the funny thing is, now I'm grieving hard for Kim, this sister that I didn't even know. I am grieving the loss of what could have been and I am finally grieving my brother and my other sister -- because finally now, I realize there is nobody left for me to have that special connection with. I think that is what I am grieving.

Ah. Life is complicated and mysterious, and seems so unfair. But without the ironies and the hurts, there can be no joy and happiness. I know that is true.

That is why this trip to Florida with John's sisters was so nice. I miss my real sister and the other sister I never knew. But I'm happy to have these two sisters, too.

Friday, October 15, 2010

It's time to piss or get off the pot

My grandfather was famous for his goofy sayings. When my husband first met him, he found the way my grandpa talked hilarious and charming. The sayings were just annoying and embarrasing to me, having heard them over and over throughout my life.

You make a better door than a window.
Is there a hole in the ceiling or did you leave the light on in there?
I guess it's better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot.

And a thousand more.

He's been gone eight years now, and I still think of those dumb sayings.

A bunch of stuff has happened to me lately. Good stuff. Sad stuff. Crazy stuff. Nothing really dramatic, just the ebb and flow of life, I guess. But introspection has been plentiful. So when I (finally!) opened my blog to write today, I decided that I just need to get my shit together and WRITE. Forget about figuring out some wonderful tidbit to share with the world every day. Good grief, who do I think I am? I'm an forty-something (!) woman, with a house, kids and job, a husband that sometimes irritates the hell out of me, a grandma I have to figure out a way not to feel guilty about, too much weight, and not enough time to do everything I want to do.

Just like a lot of people I know.

Just like everyone else in this world. Trying to figure out a way to be happy and make a happy life for my children.  I know that one thing that makes me happy is writing. And this blog is my vehicle. It's a small vehicle, but it's all mine.

So it's time to piss or get off the pot.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Mid July!

Just finished a nice little book called Crow Lake by Mary Lawson.

It's an "old" book (2002), but I'm a bit behind in my reading...My three four boys (I'm counting John as one of my boys) house, full time job, grandma in nursing home, etc., etc., etc., prevent me from keeping up on my reading.

It's a somber story. Very well written. Insightful, engaging...sweet, sad, heartbreaking and inspiring all at once.

I think the actress in me always analyzes and  tries to identify with characters in plays and books I read. There were many aspects of Kate's life (Kate is the protagonist and storyteller) that I identified with -- painfully so in many ways (not so much in others). And I could see parts of her personality that I really didn't like -- because I have those personality traits, too!

The story starts with a quote that foreshadows the story: "Tomorrow is forever, and years pass in no time at all."  Maybe I just miss reading...but I couldn't put this one down.
In other news...something exciting may be on the horizon theatre-wise. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Sunday Blues

I've definitely got the Sunday blues this evening. I wish the weekend would last just a little bit longer. I'm not happy with my job so that makes Sunday evenings hard. I just don't want to start a new week.

Today was a little rough. When one of your kids struggles, you struggle too. I wish I could help my kids through all their problems -- actually I wish I could just make their problems disappear.

I spent most of the weekend on house projects...mainly painting the dining room...then that looked so good all of a sudden my french doors looked awful, so I painted them, too. Then the doors looked great but the brass hardware ala 1987 looked ridiculous.

Isn't that the way it always is with home improvements? One thing just leads to another and pretty soon a quick little project has turned into a major undertaking!

Many years ago I met a group of wonderful theatre people and we did some interesting experimental stuff down in the Short North -- before the Short North was a fashionable and hip place to go. I remember doing some poetry readings in several of the galleries there. One poem came to mind today -- out of nowhere; I  don't know how or why, but today I thought of Howard Nemerov's "Storm Windows". There is something about this poem that I really like. Poetry is like artwork -- sometimes it speaks to you but you don't know why.

Storm Windows

People are putting up storm windows now,
Or were, this morning, until the heavy rain
Drove them indoors. So, coming home at noon,
I saw storm windows lying on the ground,
Frame-full of rain; through the water and glass
I saw the crushed grass, how it seemed to stream
Away in lines like seaweed on the tide
Or blades of wheat leaning under the wind.
The ripple and splash of rain on the blurred glass
Seemed that it briefly said, as I walked by,
Something that I should have liked to say to you,
Something . . .the dry grass bent under the pane
Brimful of bouncing water . . . something of
A swaying clarity which blindly echoes
This lonely afternoon of memories
And missed desires, while the wintry rain
(Unspeakable the distance in the mind!)
Runs on the standing windows and away.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Starting from scratch

Baby steps. I'm taking baby steps.

A woman I know once wrote "Starting from scratch" as her Facebook status. I thought it was a mysterious yet very telling statement. For some reason, it resonated with me.

As I try to resume my blogging, I'll just take baby steps. If I could figure out how, I rename this entire blog, "Starting from scratch."